What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
