He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
