Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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