if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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