Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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