I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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