So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
