franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
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