I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
