I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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