nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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