hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
BRING THE BAGELS
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
