i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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