is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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