dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh god it's open bar.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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