When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
