The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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