I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
