Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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