Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
