my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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