just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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