my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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