I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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