I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
