My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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