if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
