I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
