you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
