Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
