I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
