You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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