dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
