I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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