if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
