Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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