i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
