Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
