my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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