So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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