So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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