My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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