She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
