It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
