I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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