too bad you live with your parents still
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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