What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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