i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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