just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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