My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
