She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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