Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
