Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
