i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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