I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
