planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
