My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
