my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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