like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize