i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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