So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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