I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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