My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
